Lately there has been too much heaviness. There has been too much grief all at the same time. I look at the top things going on and can pinpoint—grief, grief, grief, grief, on down the line.
And it’s not just in my life. Many people I know are going through multiple hardships concurrently. Something in the wind these days.
Years ago, someone very close to me told me “Chin Down, Fists Up” when I was going through something hard. The relationship has changed since then, and there is grief in that, too. But the words stayed with me.
I thought about that for a few days. I went back and asked, “What exactly does that phrase even mean?”
It sounds like you’re saying let them (or life) keep throwing their punches, to be on the defensive, be ready to fight all the time, or even to be a doormat and let whoever keep punching you…
They said, “No, it means don’t let it knock you down.”
Hmm.
When I picture a boxer in the ring, I think about the stance first. Feet planted. Weight distributed. Grounded before anything happens.
That’s what having many tools in my toolbox and a certain program* have become for me. Not a way to stop the punches from coming, but a way to stay standing when they do.
One of the program’s promises is, "We will begin to feel and will come to know the vastness of our emotions, but we will not be slaves to them." It’s my favorite promise.
The coping tools, slogans, literature, spiritual connection, meditation, emotional support, healthy, reciprocal relationships, sponsorship, and the willingness to feel what I’m feeling instead of running from it—are the grounding.
They give me my footing.
The visual of “Chin Down Fists Up,” of a person in the boxing ring… I think of how we relay the idea of “take it on the arm not to the heart,” * especially when dealing with others’ behavior which we find unacceptable.
Not pretending someone’s behavior is okay. Not becoming numb to it. Just learning that another person’s behavior doesn’t have to become a wound I carry inside me.
I don’t even remember what I was going through back then when this person said this to me, but I drew a self-portrait at the time, with my chin down and fists up, in profile.
The next day, I looked at the drawing and saw something I hadn’t intended. It looked like I was about to hug myself.
I had drawn myself getting ready to fight, to take on the blows, and somehow I had accidentally drawn myself giving myself love and compassion.
Huh. What a double meaning. That’s pretty cool.
Self-love.
I thought of this saying again recently, in dealing with so many wrenches at the same time.
When talking to my sponsor about a funeral (grief in a few different lanes), thoughts drifted deeper into purpose and confusion on meaning. They could sense I was being super hard on myself and went to self-love.
Being your own best friend and shutting out that critical voice. Loving ourselves and being gentle with our thoughts and self-talk.
We are doing things differently now.
A few days later I was sharing at a meeting about the possibility of not being able to have kids of my own (also grief) and this humongous decision in front of me, and the response was yet again self-love.
At first I found it odd. And frustrating.
I am in the throes of a huge decision! I don’t have time for this! How is that the answer?
But, now I understand that loving yourself is always the answer.
Maybe loving yourself really is the place to start. Getting to CALM first. Putting the focus back on myself.
Not because it magically solves the problem. Not because loving yourself tells you what decision to make.
But because it changes the way you meet the problem.
Urgency, fixing, forcing solutions—those are some of my default ways of thinking.
If something hurts, I want to figure it out. If something is uncertain, I want an answer. If something is broken, I want to fix it.
But what if I could meet myself in the middle of all of that first? What if, before trying to solve the problem, I asked:
How am I treating myself while I’m going through this?
Loving yourself means feeling your feelings.
Not stopping them. Not repressing them or suppressing them. Not trying to make them go away.
And not automatically believing the old messages or survival mechanisms passed down that feelings are “bad”, that I am too much, or that something is wrong with me because I connect the dots to so many other things and feel deeply.
A friend shared with me that he works on being loving to all the thoughts in his head. To befriend the loving voice and ditch the other ones.
Another shared that it’s important in self-soothing to not turn away from people or things but to turn towards things that feed him—compassion, love, beauty, spiritual connection, gratitude, and openness, relationships that have the ability to have openness.
Loving yourself means calming your nervous system.
Meditation and spiritual connection. Getting really quiet so you can actually hear. I can hear the guidance I am being given. See the things that have happened and change my thinking.
The blockages might very well have been protection.
I get to reason things out, and trust myself. Hear that still small voice.
And somehow, that got me there a lot faster.
Not by forcing an answer.
By becoming quiet enough to hear it.
Maybe that’s what “Chin Down, Fists Up” means to me now.
Not preparing myself to take another punch.
Not fighting everything that hurts.
Staying grounded. Protecting my heart. Feeling what I feel.
And, when I need it most, remembering to put my arms around myself.
Do you have the awareness of when you are being hard on yourself? What does your version of “chin down, fists up” look like? What tools do you use to reshape your thinking?
*Sources & Notes:
Slogans and quotations marked with an asterisk are attributed to Al-Anon Family Groups. They are commonly used language throughout the fellowship. Some have been paraphrased or adapted in the context of my own writing. For more information, please visit https://meetings.al-anon.org/electronic-meeting-page/